7 Beautiful Vampires and a Clumsy Human
by CuzEdwardLikesBrunettes
Summary: A look in to the lives of the Cullens, Hales, werewolves, and Bella through a series of one shots. Includes Emmett microwaving his pants and an interesting conversation. Mild Breaking Dawn spoilers...maybe. Rated T just in case.
1. Emmett's Hot Pants

Ok, this is my attempt at humor. My dad actully did this (the whole microwave thing) a while back. Please review and tell me what ya'll think.

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"Ow! Alice, that hurt." 

"Bella, you're the one who wanted me to do your eyebrows."

"Well, now I don't."

"It doesn't matter now. I'm done."

Edward had told me he had a surprise for me tonight which meant Alice automatically assumed I would want to play Barbie to get ready for the event. It was because of that I was currently now being held prisoner in Alice's over-sized bathroom. Don't get me wrong, I –as well as Edward– always loved the end results of the mini-makeovers. I would just rather that it wasn't so painful to get there.

Alice continued with my primping, applying eye shadow, lip gloss, eyeliner, and other things that would make me look like I belonged next to someone as gorgeous as my fiancé. She had just finish with my make-up and started clipping up my hair to do who-knows-what with it when I smelled something burning. Edward appeared in the doorway. I looked at Alice and her eyes were wide with panic.

I was scooped in to a pair of cold stone arms and carried to the kitchen at vampire speed, where I was than placed on my own two feet. Standing in front of the microwave, which had smoke pouring out of it, was a very guilty looking Emmett standing only in his boxers. Edward ran out of the room and came back a second later, a fire extinguisher in hand. He pushed Emmett out of the way, opened the microwave, and sprayed white foam in to it. Alice opened the back door and all the windows in the room, and soon all the smoke was gone. Then she walked to the microwave and lifted out a foam-covered, burnt piece of fabric.

"Emmett, why are your basketball shorts in the microwave?" she asked, looking slightly scared. I'm sure I did, too.

"Well, um, I, um….."

Edward started laughing, probably reading his brother's thoughts. I looked at him questioningly, as did Alice. He got control of himself and then explained. "Jasper was watering the plants out back for Esme, and Emmett decided to say something stupid to tick him off. It worked and Jasper sprayed him with the hose. Emmett wanted to wear the shorts but didn't know how to work the electric dryer, so he put them in the microwave. Apparently, they caught on fire, and that's when we showed up."

By the time he finished the story we were all on the floor laughing. Emmett just looked down sheepishly. After we sent Emmett to change, Rosalie and Jasper walked in to the room, most likely wondering what caught on fire. We explained the story to them. Of course, they thought it was funny.

Emmett came back into the room, looking embarrassed. Rosalie walked over to her husband and wrapped her arm around his waist, trying to comfort him, I guess.

"Emmett, how can you be 92 years old and not know how to work and electric dryer?" I just had to ask. You would think that in that many years you'd learn things like that.

He just shrugged. "I never needed to before."

"Well, I think a hairdryer would have worked a little better," Alice joked. Edward laughed.

"You know you married an idiot, right, Rosalie?" Jasper asked

"OK, we've had enough fun at Emmett's expense," Rose defended Emmett. "I know he's an idiot, but he's my idiot."

"Aw, thanks, Rose. That's so sweet. I– Hey!" It would seem Emmett's a little slow today.

"See, like I said: idiot," Jasper said.

"That's mean, Jazz," Edward replied. "Idiots have feelings, too."

I listened to their conversation, while Alice pulled me up stairs to finish my makeover.

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Please, review!!!!! If you guys want, I'll continue to do funny one shots. I'll be more than happy to do requests. 


	2. A Typical Day with the Cullens

Here's the next oneshot. I love this kind of story, so I decided to do my own. I hope it's as funny as the other ones I've read. Oh, and thanks to the people who reviewed. You guys rock!

Disclaimer: Do you seriously think I'd be writing fanfiction if I owned anything to do with the Twilight Universe? No! I'd be sitting in the meadow with Edward. DUH!

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Bella's POV

When I walked into the Cullen's house it was like any other normal day –if anything a bit quiet, but still normal none the less. Edward and Alice were trying to play battleship against each other. Esme was working on her latest home improvement project. Emmett and Jasper were playing some video game, and Rosalie was touching up her make-up -again. Carlisle was reading a thick, leather-bound book. Yes, it was going to be a relatively quiet day; at least that's what I thought. I sat down to watch the battleship game no one would win.

After about 10 minutes, Edward and Alice gave up one their game, and they hadn't even said a word yet. I guess they figured out they could just play the entire game in they're head. That was fine by me because I got to cuddle with Edward. He moved from his place on the floor and sat next to me on the couch, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and pulling me closer. I leaned into him, pressing a line of kisses along his neck. Unfortunately, this perfect moment –much like all the others we shared– had to come to an end.

Emmett, who had just lost the game he and Jasper were playing and desperately needed a distraction before he snapped his controller in half yet again, was inspired by Edward's and my embrace. He got a mischievous look on his face. This was going to be bad.

"Hey, Bella."

I acted like I didn't hear him, and snuggled closer to Edward.

"Bella?"

I continued to ignore him. A pillow collided with my head, causing Edward to growl in my defense. I turned my head to glare at the source of the flying pillow. "What Emmett?"

"Well, I was just wondering…….. Have you and Edward ever, you know….." I don't think I've ever seem Emmett struggle for words before. Unfortunately, I understood what he meant.

The rest of Edward's family, with the exception of Carlisle and Esme who had disappeared, had their hands clamped over their mouths trying to restrain their laugher. It was a failed attempt.

I could feel the heat slowly creeping up my face, probably causing me to resemble a tomato. I buried my face in Edward's chest.

"You know why that's not possible," Edward mumbled in my defense.

"Well, if you'd just change her, that wouldn't be a problem now would it?" Alice replied between giggles.

Edward's arms tightened around me. "Just ignore them," he whispered.

Emmett made a comment I didn't fully hear, and Edward disappeared from under me. Of course, I fell on my face, much to everyone else's amusement. "Couch, meet face. Face, meet couch. I hope you enjoy each other's company," Rosalie said.

I righted myself from my fall, just to see Esme enter the room, and let's just say she wasn't all sunshine and rainbows.

"Edward Anthony Masen Cullen! Put that lamp down now!"

I whipped my head around to see Edward with his huge brother cornered, literally, and a lamp in his hand –ready to be smashed over Emmett's head. Emmett looked thankful for the intrusion.

"Aw, c'mon, Mom. You know it won't hurt him."

"It's not Emmett I'm worried about," Esme replied. "I just got that lamp. It's real crystal."

"But-"

"Edward, NOW!"

"Fine." Edward set the lamp back down on the table, and came over to me, lifting me into his arms. "If any of you need me, and please don't, I'll be in my room with Bella," he said over his shoulder as he carried me up the stairs.

"Don't do anything with out protection," Emmett joked. Esme smacked him in the back of the head for that.

Yes, it was just another typical day at the Cullens' house.

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Please review!!! I only got three reviews in the last chapter and I need more! Love ya! 


	3. Zoom, Zoom, Zoom!

Disclaimer: Usual disclaimer applys. Don't sue!

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Charlie's Point of View

It had been another extremely slow, boring day at the station. It was the kind of day that would make anyone suicidal –anyone but me. I loved my job, and, until Bells came to live with me, it was the most important thing in my daily life. I was thinking about that as I drove home. Just then, a silver Volvo cut me off, and went speeding down the highway. Instinctively, I switched on the lights on the top of the cruiser and followed. Maybe today wouldn't be as boring as I thought.

Edward's Point of View

It had been exactly one day, two hours, twelve minutes since I'd last seen my Bella. That was one day, two hours, twelve minutes to long if you ask me. Yes, these hunting trips were necessary to keep my angel from losing her life, but they always made me anxious. I was in a huge hurry, and I was driving fast –even for me. I turned on to the highway that would take me to Bella's house and cut off another car. However, I was too distracted to notice what kind of car it was, not that it really mattered. Or so I thought…

Suddenly, I heard the shrill wail of sirens and the flash of red and blue lights caused me to slow down a bit. I was still going well over the speed limit, though. Gradually, I slowed down, both to avoid an accident and to buy myself more time. How was I going to get out of this one? My only hope was that the officer was a woman. I tried to hear his (or her) thoughts as I came to a halt. Unfortunately, the sound of the sirens made it impossible to concentrate. This was one of the few times I cursed my advanced hearing.

Finally the siren was cut and I heard an all too familiar "voice". _Stupid kids. Don't they know that if you drive like that on wet roads like these, you'll get yourself killed?_

This was just _great_. Not only was I about to get my first ticket, it was going to be given to me by none other that Chief Swan. This was not going to end well.

As Charlie walked up to my window, I was hesitant to roll it down. Much to my dismay, a sharp rap told me I had to. So I did as I was supposed to and looked out at a very bored looking Charlie who was scribbling on a small book.

"License and registration, please," he said without looking up. I swiftly reached in the glove compartment and pulled out ever thing he'd asked for and stuck my hand out the window into the mist to give it to him. He glanced at it and was about to return it to me when he stopped short. He looked over my I.D. once more and gasped.

_Edward Cullen?!? Well, what do I do about this? Bells would kill me if I gave him a ticket. Then again that is my job. Plus, I don't really like him much. But that doesn't really matter, because he will be my son-in-law in about a month and a half…_

I had to bite back my laughter. It was just too funny. On one hand, it _was_ -no matter how much I wish it wasn't- his job to enforce the laws and that included the speed limit. Then again, he also had to deal with his daughter if he gave me a ticket.

"Edward?" I was pulled away from my thoughts at the sound of my name.

"Yes, sir?"

"Now I normally wouldn't do this, but I'm going to let you off with just a warning this time but if you ever get pulled over again, you will receive a ticket. Do you understand?"

"Yes, sir," I answered though the thought of that being a punishment was laughable. I had enough money that that would seem like pocket change to anyone in my family. That's what happens when you have a sister with the uncanny ability to predict trends in the stock market.

In fact the only punishment that I would have gotten out of a ticket would be endless torment from my brothers and sisters.

"Oh, and Edward, I think it may be best not to tell Bella about this. But if I ever find out you drove like you just were with her in the car, you will answer to me."

I nodded in agreement. "I wouldn't dream of putting her in danger in anyway."

With that, Charlie got back in the cruiser and headed home, all the while I followed behind driving at a _very_ safe pace of forty-five miles per hour. Ugh!

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Okey dokey! There's the next chaper! Please, please, please review!!!! Let me know if there's anything you'd like me to write. Love yins! (yes that is Pittsburgh-ese)


	4. Zoom zoom zoom part 2

Ok, this chapter is dedicated to edward-and-bella-forever. Thanks for the idea! I hope like it.

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There are many ways to tell when you're obsessed with someone. One of which is when you know exactly how long ago you last saw said person. One day, two hours and twelve minutes –that's how long it's been since I've last seen Edward. 

I could have made dinner, did my homework, or even made my bed while I was waiting, but, no, I just sat there. The minutes ticked by. And I just waited. I must have been trying to drive myself crazy or I would have done _something_. But, no, I waited.

Finally I couldn't take it any more. I picked up the phone and quickly dialed Edward's number. He answered after the second ring.

"Bella?"

"Edward, where are you?" My voice sounded worried even to my own ears. Of course, that was stupid –he was nearly indestructible.

"I'm on my way to your house, love. I seem to have gotten…held up, though. I'll be arriving shortly," he replied. It was a relief to hear his velvety voice.

"Okay, I miss you though so please hurry."

"I miss you as well. I'm going as fast as I can with Charlie behind me. I love you." I could hear the smile in his voice.

"I love you, too," I told him. As I hung up the phone, I couldn't help but laugh. I could only imagine what would happen if Charlie pulled Edward over for speeding. I was trying to figure out whose reaction would be better –Charlie's or Edward's– when they both walked through the door. Charlie was carrying a box of pizza. I guess it was a good thing I _didn't_ cook dinner.

"Hey, Bells. How was your day?" Charlie asked. Edward just silently sat down on the couch pulling me closer to him.

"Fine," I told him. "How was work?"

"Well, it was actually interesting for once. Wasn't it, Edward?"

Edward chuckled. "Interesting to say the very least," he replied.

Ok, I was officially confused. I mean, I knew Edward knew how what Charlie thought of work with his mind reading and all, but how did Charlie know that? I looked to Edward for help, for once angry I was the one exception to his ability. He laughed again.

"Do you want to tell her or should I?" Edward asked.

"Maybe you should. I'm almost afraid of her reaction." Charlie laughed. I hadn't seen him this happy in a while.

"Tell me what?" I asked.

"Remember I told you I got held up on the way here?" I nodded.

"Well, Charlie caught me…um…not following the traffic laws in forced by the state of Washington," Edward told me, his chagrin apparent.

I glanced at Charlie; he looked kind of scared. I laughed; that explained Charlie's good mood. "So much for you never getting a ticket." This whole thing was hysterical.

Charlie looked relieved. "Well, actually, Bells, I just let Edward off with a warning. Consider it part of your wedding present." He smiled.

After that, Charlie and I ate in silence and Edward just watched me. Then Edward and I walked upstairs to my room. I sat on the bed while he looked through my small collection of CDs. Finally he chose one and put it in the CD player. My lullaby floated through the room.

"You know, Charlie shouldn't have let you off so easily for speeding," I teased. Edward growled and gently pushed me back onto the bed.

"I mean it," I told him. "How are you ever going to learn to follow the rules if you don't get punished?"

He ignored my question, putting his hand next to either one of my shoulders so I trapped –not that I minded. "Traitor," he whispered teasingly. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Hm…I don't know…kiss me, maybe?"

"You know, I think that's a very good idea." And he leaned down to press his icy lips to mine.

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Okey dokey! Please review! I heart you guys!


	5. All's Fair in Love and Hate

Yes, a new chapter. Actually, I've very proud of myself. That's 2 in one week people. Do you know how hard that is with all the crap I have to do everyday? Yeah, that's what I thought. Okey dokey, then. This chapter is for SWEET-STUFF063 for her ideas and reviews. Thanks!

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I hate Alice. Now, when I say hate, I don't mean I-wish-she-dead (well, dead-er) hate. I mean I-wish-she'd-move-to-China-so-she'd-stop-torturing-me hate. After all, I love Alice like a sister; it's just that it would be nice if she didn't find so much joy in my pain. 

The latest torture she had for me was a pool party with the rest of the Cullens. What's so bad about that, right? Well, there's absolutely nothing wrong with a pool party. In fact, I was kind of looking forward to it. It was the _outfit_ –if you can really call it that– I was expected to wear that was the problem.

How she got me to agree to wear that thing is beyond me. But there I was, in front of her full length mirror, in nothing but a blue string bikini. The color of my face and the paleness of the rest of my skin paired with that blue _thing_ made me look like the American flag. I replayed the past morning in my head trying to figure out how I'd gotten myself into this mess.

_When I arrived at the Cullens' it was too quite. That could only mean one thing…_

"_Makeover time," Alice sing-songed as she skipped down the stairs. She then picked me up and carried me to her huge bedroom. _

"_Where's Edward?" I asked._

"_I kicked him out of the house so he's hunting with Jasper. And Rosalie and Emmett are keeping themselves busy, if you know what I mean." I blushed at the thought of what they were doing. Alice laughed and then continued. "So, anyways, there's no one to help you."_

"_Um, and what exactly are we doing that I'd need help with?"_

"_Nothing…it's just that you're wearing that to our pool party this afternoon, and I think you're going to try to give me a hard time about it." She pointed to my swimsuit or lack there of. Again, I blushed._

"_Alice there's absolutely no way you are ever going to get me to wear that thing. I mean there's not a lot I wouldn't do for you but this is where I put my foot down."_

"_Come on, Bella. We can do this the hard way or the easy way but you're wearing that bikini." Suddenly she smiled evilly. "Besides, Edward will love it."_

And now I'm here. In a bikini. Yep, I hate Alice

"Here, Bella put this on." A white and navy blue sundress that matched the swimsuit was thrown at my head. It was actually pretty. If I could wear this, maybe this pool party wouldn't be too bad after all.

There was a light knock at the door. Then it swung open and there stood Edward. He surveyed the room to make sure that there wasn't any potential danger like a stiletto flying toward his head. Finally he walked over to me and scooped me up bridal style.

"Alice, I'm stealing my fiancée. I hope you don't mind," he called toward the massive closet that my soon-to-be sister disappeared through moments ago. Without waiting for a reply, I was carried away to Edward's and my room.

I was placed on the bed, and Edward slipped into his bathroom to change into some outfit no doubt picked by Alice. When he emerged, no more than a minute later, he had on a white t-shirt and navy blue swim trunks –I was right; definitely the work of Alice.

"Shall we, love?" Edward asked as he held picked me up again. I nodded, and, before I had any idea what was going on, I was standing in front of the shining water of a gorgeous infinity pool. Only the Cullens would have an _infinity pool_ on a cliff in the middle of the woods surrounding Forks. There was even a slide and diving board. This could actually be fun.

"Hey, Bell, just jump in. The water feels great," Emmett called as he jumped off the diving board, barely making the water ripple where he hit it.

"Yeah, but you've got to take your dress off first. The chlorine will fade it and we defiantly don't want that." Only Alice would be concerned about the dress. I sighed.

_I guess it's now or never,_ I thought. I slide the sundress off and a gasp was heard from everyone in and around the pool. I blushed, self-conscious.

"See, Alice I told you it was a bad idea for me to wear a bikini," I complained. She just stared at me open-mouthed.

"I disagree," Edward whispered in my ear while wrapping his arms around me. "And I'm apparently not the only one. All anyone can think about is how beautiful you are."

I blushed even deeper, but not from his words. Edward had removed his shirt revealing his perfectly muscled torso. And the skin-to-skin contact may have permanently turned my face the color of a tomato.

He kissed my red cheek, chuckled, and jumped into the pool just as gracefully as Emmett. "Come on, Bella," he called.

I smiled in spite of myself and walked over to the diving board. Finally, something I'd be able to do (almost) as well as the Cullens. I'd spend many days at the local swimming pool in Phoenix. I loved to swim and Arizona was the perfect place to do so.

I bounced a few times, preparing to jump. Then it happened. On my final bounce before I dove, I –being the klutz I am– lost my footing and slipped right off the end of the board. I held my breath and crashed into the water with a huge splash. I swam back to the surface. That's when I realized something was wrong. The entire family was staring at me again, and I knew it wasn't because of what I was wearing. In fact, it was the exact opposite because hanging off of the diving board was my bikini top.

I dove back under the water to hide. Of course, Edward couldn't just let me go. He followed me bringing my sundress with him. He slipped it over my head and pulled me back to the surface. When I saw that everyone was still staring, I blushed redder than I thought would be possible. I felt embarrassed tears slid down my cheeks –cooler than they should be when paired with the heat radiating off of my face.

A wave of clam passed over me, but embarrassment over power it –the work of Jasper– and it didn't help at all. If anything, it just made it worse. Edward helped me out of the pool and sat me down on one of the many pieces of patio furniture. He told everyone else to go back home and that we would meet them there later. They all obliged, no one saying a word as they ran off into the forest.

I buried my still red face in my hands. At least I wasn't fire engine red anymore…it was still red but had more of a pinkish tint to it. I could feel Edward in front of me, but I just couldn't look at him yet. His entire family had just seen me topless; not only did they see more of me than he ever had, but he also had to listen to their thoughts about that particular occurrence.

"Bella?" His voice was gentle. I didn't respond.

"Please look at me, Isabella."

"Just leave me alone," I replied into my hands.

"Well, I would but you may try to drown yourself. Again."

How could he say that? I looked up, enraged. "I wasn't trying to drown myself –I was trying to hide. And you know that in La Push I was just–"

I was cut off by a cool finger to my lips. "I know that, silly. I was trying to get you to look up…" He suddenly looked lustful. "And beside I couldn't do this if you weren't looking at me."

He leaned to press his lips to mine, at first gently but then more hungrily –not that I was complaining. He pulled me closer and I smiled. His hand slowly crept down to the hem of my dress, and then…

"Hey, Edward and Bella! Let's go!"

Sometime I really hate Alice…

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Ok, so there you have it! I thought it was pretty good myself. Don't you agree? Even if you don't review and tell me. I aim to please.


	6. Max

So this oneshot is a little (ok, a lot) more depressing than my others. Sorry if you don't like that kind of thing...feel free to skip this. If you want to hear the story behind this oneshot (which is actually kinda funny), tell me in a PM/review. Also, sorry for the delay in my posting. Takes place during Bella's zombie period.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of it...even the story that Bella wrote (credit for that goes to my bestest buddy "Lolly")...

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"…Three weeks to do this paper." The teacher's voice seemed ominous in the other wise silent room. "I want this short story to reflect your life. When you write about your assigned pet, think about what's happening to you today, what happened yesterday, what you want to happen tomorrow. This should be fictional, though…"

I tuned him out after that. I'd been doing that a lot lately. But what reason did I have to pay attention? Edward was gone, and I had no reason to try to keep up my grades (except to please Charlie); it didn't matter to me if I got into a half decent college. I don't think I would have left Forks even if I'd been offered a full scholarship to an Ivy League school. _I couldn't._ If I left, that would let go of every hope I had that the person I love as much as someone could love, plus a whole lot more was real. That would give light to the possibility that I truly was insane and had imagined the best few months of my life, however short they now seem.

So I would stay in Forks, get a full-time job at Newton's after graduation, and hold onto what little of my sanity was left. All because, though I had little to live for, I did have some things. My family, for one. I owed Charlie and Renée too much to just give up. I'd promised Edward I'd stay safe. I would rather die that break a promise to him, though he'd broken many to me. He had my heart whether he wanted it or not, and I couldn't take it back even if I wished to do so.

I opened my notebook to begin my assignment. A story about my life involving a puppy…

I thought for a moment, and then the words began to flow:

_Max was a little puppy with the softest auburn fur –it was adorably shaggy, always slightly messy, but perfect on him. I remember the day I first found him, or should I say, he found me. The second I laid eyes on him, I felt this incredible pull to him. It's like when you see someone and think "I need to be friends with that person." Luckily, he seemed to feel the same about me. Little did I know he'd soon be my best friend and the first to break my heart._

_Things started off perfectly. Max slept at the foot of my bed and woke me up every morning with a sloppy puppy-kiss. Then, after I returned home at the end of the day, he would sit in the kitchen, just watching me, as I hurried around trying to make dinner. Or he'd lie at my feet while I did homework in my room and let me absent-mindedly pet him as I tried to figure out my trig problems._

_Soon, though, things changed. A few days before Halloween, Max was sitting in the front yard while I sat on the porch with a Steven King novel. My thirteen-year-old neighbor (who just so happened to have a small crush on me) thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while wearing a Michael Meyers mask. Naturally, the incident combined with my novel made me scream in surprise, and I fell backward. My wrist met concrete and ripped open. _

_Max thought I was in danger from someone besides myself, and came charging up to the "intruder", teeth bared, a deep growl vibrating through his chest. He lunged at my neighbor and narrowly missed my arm in the process. The kid was OK, fortunately –slightly freaked out by my dog, but not actually harmed. He ran back across my yard to his house and slammed the door shut._

_I held my arm in front of me to inspect the damage. A bright drop of blood dripped off my arm onto the welcome mat. Max put his nose to it, and looked up at me with eyes so sad that it broke my heart. I reached down to pet him and reassure him that it wasn't his fault I was hurt, but he simply walked back into the light drizzle that had begun to fall. My fingers barely grazed his soft fur. He lay down not facing me, letting the rain turn auburn into chocolate brown. I wanted so badly to pick him up –to tell him I was OK, it was no one's fault and would have happened regardless of him trying to protect me. Finally, when it was dark, Max followed me into the house and upstairs. That was the first night that he didn't sleep at the foot of my bed._

_Over the few days, my best friend started to spend less and less time with me. At first, I thought he was sick. I took him to the vet, who simply said he was in perfect health. Then I realized he was holding himself responsible for what had happened. I tried to let him know it wasn't his fault, and the damage could have been a lot worse. In fact, I'd ended up with stitched many times with no more help than my own two feet._

_Then exactly a week after my neighbor's prank, I was lying in the grass on a quilt. Max came over to me, and sat down. He looked at me for the longest time with the same sad eyes. Finally, he touched his silky paw to my shoulder, and took off down the street. I followed him, of course; I would have been stupid not to –you just don't let your best friend walk away. I couldn't catch up to him, though. _

_Max… Please, come back… I need you…_

Sure, I could have made up something cheerful for this paper. But I've always been a terrible liar, and this had to be believable if I was going to keep up the "nothing's wrong" charade for Charlie.

I felt a silent tear slide down my cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. I'd promised myself I wouldn't cry in front of anyone. I could do that at home to night, when everything I did that reminded me of Edward caught up to me. I already received enough comments about him as it was. I didn't need to add to my problems.

When the bell rang signifying the end of the hour, I only had one thought in my head:

_Edward… Please come back… I need you…_

_

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_So yeah, there you have it. Love it? Hate it? There's only one way for me to know... REVIEW!!!! Any ideas are also welcome!


	7. Bella: Engaged and Pregnant!

So I felt bad cause it took me so long to update before and then it was sad. So here you go: the the next chapter of 7 Beautiful Vampires and a Clumsy Human...Bella: Engaged and Pregnant?!?! Don't forget to read and review!

Disclaimer: Don't own it; Don't sue me!

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Bella's POV

The butterflies in my stomach jumped erratically as Edward drove my truck toward my house. I stared at the never-ending green blur that sped by my window, my thoughts so jumbled that they didn't even make sense to me. Not to mention, I hadn't been able to stop fidgeting since Edward had buckled me into my seat; my arm would twitch, my leg would jump, my hand would go numb from sitting on it. And it was all driving Edward nuts.

"Bella, would you _please_ sit still. You're going to drive me mad."

"Sorry, Edward," I said, uncrossing my legs, just to fold them again. "I can't help it."

He gave me a pointed look and sighed. I turned my attention back to the window. We were getting closer to my house now –the green was being interrupted by a splotch of color caused by a house speeding by more and more frequently. My stomach flipped again.

Finally, after an entirely too short drive, we reached our destination. I took a deep breath and stared up at the ominous looking white A-frame. Edward was by my side, planting a line of kisses across my collarbone. "It's going to be OK. I'm right here," he whispered soothingly, and helped me out of the car.

I just sighed in response, glancing toward the spot where Charlie parked the cruiser. It wasn't there which meant I had some time. I grabbed Edward's cool hand with mine, and used my other to unlock the deadbolt.

We had just sat down on the couch, hands still intertwined, when I heard the crunch of tires on the driveway. I braced myself for the storm that was about to come.

"Hey Bells, Edward," Charlie greeted us. He took his police gear off and sat down in the chair adjacent to the couch. "You alright, Bella? You look a little pale."

"I'm fine, Dad," I assured him. "It's just…"

He looked at me expectantly, but I couldn't continue. My throat closed around the words.

Thankfully, Edward was there to take over. "Charlie, Bella and I have something to tell you, and she doesn't think you'll take it well."

"Oh God, you're pregnant, aren't you?" If I wasn't so shocked at his assumption, I would have laughed at the look on his face. I don't think I've ever seen him so terrified.

"Dad, no–" I could finish my sentence, though, because he just continued.

"I mean, sure I expected that you two were, well, you know…but I thought you were smarter that. Especially, after we talked…"

I grimaced at the memory. That was not a discussion I hoped to relive, and I thought the feeling was mutual. Yet, here he was, bringing it up again…

I stole a glance at Edward. He had his lips pressed together in a tight line, visibly trying to restrain his laughter. I could only imagine what was occurring in my father's head.

"No, Dad, calm down. I'm not –let me repeat, _not_– pregnant, nor was I, nor will I be anytime soon." _Just one of the many perks of a vampire boyfriend,_ I added mentally, but I'd never tell Charlie that. I'd end up in an asylum if I did.

My father, however, didn't look convinced. "But, Bells, you don't know how hard it is to be a parent when you're young, especially if you're not married. If you're sure you're not going to have a baby," he paled as he said the word, "just promise me you two are being careful."

"Sir," Edward took over my attempts, "Bella and I have yet to do anything like that, but when we do, I can guarantee that there will be absolutely no chance of her becoming pregnant."

I let a small giggle escape, so quietly only Edward would have been able to hear it. Which I'm sure he did, because his eyebrow raised a fraction of an inch. I couldn't believe we were having this conversation with my father –even Carlisle would have been better, with his medical degree and all. Awkward, yes, but, still better.

At least Charlie seemed to be calming down; his color was coming back a little.

We sat there in an extremely uncomfortable silence for a few moments. I shifted so I was leaning against Edward and he wrapped his arm around my shoulders. Charlie glanced at the clock on the table by the TV. Finally, the silence was broken.

"So, what did you two want to tell me?" Kind if makes you nostalgic for the awkward window of silence, doesn't it?

"Well," I held out my ringed hand, "Edward and I are engaged."

Charlie let out a low whistle as he stood and inspected the ring. Then, he hit the floor with a rather loud _thump_.

"Dad?" Edward and I shifted off of the couch to make sure Charlie was alright. I grabbed a throw pillow from the couch and wedged it between his head and the floor. A few seconds later, his eyelids fluttered open.

"Charlie, are you OK? We could take you to see Carlisle; I'm sure he wouldn't mind taking a look at your head. You hit pretty hard," Edward question softly.

Charlie shook his head and then winced. "No, I'm fine. Just a little dizzy is all," he replied.

I rose to my feet and walked into the kitchen to get some ice. As I hit the tray against the sink to knock a few cubes free, I could see my dad through the doorway. He tried to sit up, but grabbed his head, and lay back down. Edward helped him onto the couch, and I wrapped the ice in a dishtowel.

"Here," I said when I finally returned, "put it on your head. It always helps me."

Edward grinned at me and then turned his sttention back to Charlie. "I really think you should go see Carlisle," he told him. This time he agreed.

During the drive to the Cullens' everyone was quite. Being as Charlie was in no condition to drive, we were forced to take the truck. Edward drove, and I was squished in the middle. To my left, a cool piece of granite that, under other circumstances, I'd have no problem snuggling against. To my right, a very confused looking Charlie. This was just _great..._

"You know," he said, "I must have hit my head pretty hard. I could swear that you said you two were engaged just before I passed out."

Edward and I glanced at each other, both desperately trying to restrain our laughter.

"Well, actually, we kind of are," I supplied. My father looked completely shocked.

Thankfully, by that time, we had reached the Cullens'. Charlie was ushered inside to Carlisle by a giggling Alice who'd "seen" the whole thing and knew that she'd probably be the only one (with the exception of Jasper, who was hunting) that would be able to keep him calm.

Edward and I lingered outside a while longer, though. He sat on the grass, back to one of the large trees that shaded the entire yard, me in his lap.

"I think that went fairly well, actually," I said. Edward chuckled.

"Yes, it could have much worse," he agreed.

"You won't be saying that after we tell Renée."

"Who knows. I didn't think I say that about when we told Charlie."

"True…"

"What?"

I answered his question with one of my own. "It's just…what was Charlie thinking? When he asked if we having a baby?"

Edward's musical laughter surrounded me. "He was thinking of all the possible ways he could kill me."

"Oh really?" I said between giggles. "What did he come up with?"

"Nothing that would work, seeing as none of his ideas included tearing me apart and burning the pieces, or killing his only daughter."

I didn't have a reply to that other than to lean my head against his stone cold chest and smile.

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TaDa!!!! Love it? Hate it? Have ideas for a future chappie? Only one way to tell me...yep, REVIEW!!! You get a free cookie(see my profile)(No, that's not perverted...XP) 


	8. Zoom,Zoom,Zoom pt tres

A/N: Okey doeky, this is part three of Zoom, Zoom, Zoom. This chapter is for RavioliShenanigans who requested that the Cullens' found out about Edward's little ticket.

What Emmett Says:  
_Hola, señor. ¿Qué pasa? -_ Hello, sir/Mr. What's up?  
_una eternidad -_ an eternity  
_Perdedor estúpido molestar_ - Stupid, annoying loser  
If you want the pronunciation of the Spanish alphabet, PM or review and tell me.

**_Disclaimer: The whole Twilight Universe belong to Ms. Stephenie Meyer. I simply mess with the characters heads, and have them do the stupid stuff I want them to do. Please don't sue._**

* * *

Edward's POV

_Buzz, Buzz, BBBUUUZZZZ._

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket and pulled me from my thoughts. It was a little after three in the morning, and I was lying with Bella while she slept. It was so peaceful – aside from the constant burden that is my mind reading power – and whoever was calling me had just interrupted it. Maybe if I ignored it, it would stop…

There. I could go back to my thoughts, all of which were centered on the sleeping angel next to me. But then, no more than ten seconds later, that ridiculous _buzz_ sounded again. I removed the phone from my pocket, and looked at the screen. _Emmett._

I switched the ringer to silent. Hopefully, that would be the last of the interruptions…

Bella shifted next to me. I tightened my arms around her and breathed in the scent. _Mmmm..._

How a creature so beautiful chose a monster like me, I'll never know. I'm thankful she did, though – thankful that she would rather put her life at risk every time she kissed me instead of sending me away – as selfish as that sounds. Yet, at the same time, I wish she _would_ send me away. I could send myself, of course. But I promised her I wouldn't. I had broken that promise before, and I sure as hell wasn't going to do it again. So if she wanted me to go, I would. But I wanted her to want me.

My mind swam in endless circles. I love her. She loved me. I wanted her to hate me because I loved her. But I wanted her to love me because I loved her.

"Edward," Bella murmured, and my attention was turned back to her. She turned her body again so she was now facing me. Very gently, I pressed my lips to her forehead. I could swear I saw her smile.

My thoughts drifted back to the first time I had come here, the first time I heard her talk in her sleep. She said my name. The sound was music to my ears then. And even more so now. I closed my eyes and thought of all the time we spent together – our first date in the meadow being the most significant. That was also the first time I kissed her…

_Hola, señor. ¿Qué pasa?_

I recognized Emmett's "voice", and it ruined the moment. What did he _want_?

_Do you wanna open the window and let your big bro in? It's cold out here!_

I looked up and, sure enough, there was Emmett, peering through the window. I sighed.

"Emmett, just open it yourself," I hissed, not wanting to wake Bella up. He made the same face as a puppy that had just been kicked. I sighed again. "Well, it looks like you're going to be out there for a while then."

At last, Emmett gave in. He pushed the window up and climbed into the room. It was actually quite comical with Emmett being wider than the window. His shoulders got stuck twice before he finally turned sideways. Even then, though, it was a tight squeeze.

"So, Alice saw something interesting today, and shared it with the rest of us. Do you have any idea what it might be?"

I stared at my burly brother in an attempt to read his thoughts, trying to see if Alice really was so evil as to tell everyone about my little encounter with Charlie. All I got was the Spanish alphabet. Twice.

_A,B,C,CH,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,LL,M,N,Ñ,O,P,Q,R,RR,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y,Z..._

Yes, I realized, Alice _was_ that evil.

"Just get it over with," I told him. "I might as well start the torture now."

"Why in the world would I do that when I have _una eternidad_?"

I growled. "Because tell Rosalie about the strip club Jasper and I took you to for your last birthday. I'm not sure she'd be too happy about the fact that you _enjoyed_ it."

"I-I didn't enjoy it. It was a good show – those girls had talent." I gave him a pointed look. "OK, you win."

"Good," I smirked. "Now you have three minutes to make fun of me. Starting now…"

"You mean I'm allowed to say–"

"Two minutes, fifty-eight seconds," I warned.

He stumbled over words, both aloud and in his head. This was great. "Um, OK, well…um…I, uh, can't believe that, um, you were so, um, stupid, and, uh…"

"Two minute, forty-three seconds," I told him, grinning now.

"Shut up. I can't do this with you pressuring me!"

My grin grew. "You could always just give up."

"No way in hell. I have the chance of a lifetime here." Emmett looked genuinely offended.

"You also have fifty-nine seconds to go."

"Can't I have a rain check?"

"Fifty-six."

My brother perked up. "I can have fifty-six rain checks?"

"No, and now you have fifty-four seconds."

"But-"

"Fifty-three."

"Fine, I give up," he said, pouting.

"Aw, too bad. I guess you blew your 'chance of a lifetime'," I joked. Emmett just stuck his tongue out at me. "Oh, yes, Emmett, that's real mature."

He just got up, and walked over to the window. _Perdedor estúpido, molestar_ was his parting thought.

What was it with Emmett and basic Spanish conversation tonight?

* * *

Sorry that's so short. I thought it was funny to call Edward 'molestar', which sounds and is spelled like molester, even though it means annoying, and not Michael Jackson -though he is certainly annoying (No offense to MJ fans). But yeah, my Spanish teacher actually told us that. Oh, the things you learn in public high schools... But if you guys have any suggestions, let me know! I'll be glad to do any and all requests! (Just keep it PG-13, 'kay?) Other than that...REVIEW! 


	9. Mmmm, Cool Whip

Ok, I love ya'll so much that I decided to update. See what a bunch of reviews can do? I know that you guys who read my other stories are probably ready to kill me for not updating and such, and I promise I'm working on the next chapter in each of them. So don't pull out the pitch forks and knives yet, 'kay? This chapter is for **Nymphadora **who thought it was Alice's turn for a little embarassment.

**_Disclaimer: I don't own it. Now read!_**

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Bella's POV

"Edward, I'm bored," I complained, looking at the god that sat next to me on the huge, squishy bed in the midst of his room.

I was late in the afternoon on a Saturday, and Charlie thought I was having a sleepover with Alice. However, when I told him my plans for the evening, I was very careful to say that I was staying _at Alice's._ Never once did I say that I was having a slumber party _with Alice._ I didn't lie to him, I just didn't tell the full truth – that being, though I was in Alice's house, I was in fact having a little slumber party with my fiancé.

Edward moved his eyes to my face, for he was staring at my hand as he traced patterns over my skin, making my entire being tingle. "I can change that," he said and leaned forward to gently press his lips to mine.

I fell backward on to the bed, and he pulled away; his bottom lip jutted out in a pout that was obviously fake. Kind of. I think I detected just a bit of sadness in his eyes.

"That's not what I meant, and you know it."

"Bella," he whined, sounding very much like a two year old. I think I liked this side of him.

"Edward," I mocked using the same tone he had. His pout became more pronounced.

"You…you don't want me to kiss you?" His lip quivered and, if I didn't know better, I would have thought he was about to cry.

"Fine, whatever," I finally caved. "If you want to kiss me, go ahead. But I'm not going to be happy about it."

The pout disappeared. "I bet I can fix that."

Edward was now hovering over me, his lip a centimeter from mine. I was just about to close the distance between us, when he shot upright and glare at the door. I looked at him, confused.

"Edward?"

He ignored me, a low growl vibrating through his chest.

"Is there something wrong?" I gently put my hand on his shoulder, trying to be comforting. "Edward, please answer me."

That seemed to snap him out of his trance and turned his attention back to me. Just then a loud _thud_ came from the other side of the door. I got up to see what it was, but Edward stopped me. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, love."

I looked at him confused. Edward didn't seem angry or worried or even jealous, just annoyed. Why did he stop me from going to see what the noise was if there was no danger?

"Alice, you can't eat human food," he called toward the door, glaring at nothing again. "Whipped cream would kind of be out of the question."

"Edward, shut up and stay out of my wife's head!" Jasper's voice came from the other side of the door. Edward sighed and rolled his eyes.

"What was that noise?" I asked my fiancé.

"Believe me, you don't want to know."

"But–"

"Bella, trust me."

"I do trust you," I told Edward, getting up, stepping around him when he made another attempt at stopping me, and heading toward the door. "I just think I should be allowed to make my own mistakes."

"You are allowed to make your own mistakes – I let you hang out with that dog, don't I?"

I scowled. "That's not what I mean, and you know it." I reached for the brass door knob.

"Bella," Edward warned, "you really don't want to do that."

"Jeez, I just want to know what that noise was." I had my hand on the door knob, but didn't turn it. Yet.

Edward appeared behind me before I could blink. "Isabella, let go, or I'll force you to. You _really_ don't want to open that door."

I gripped the brass harder. He sighed, and wrapped his hand around mine. Another _thud_ sounded on the other side of the wood.

"Edward," I whined.

He just pulled my hand loose and folded my arm across my stomach, keeping our fingers intertwined. I reached my other hand up and grabbed the knob and turned it.

"Bella!" Edward pushed the door shut with his foot, and picked me up, making sure to hold my arms to my chest. "Just drop it, please."

He turned around, and headed for the bed. I tried to wriggle free, but his hold was like an iron chain – strong and unbreakable. I needed him to let me go – wanted so badly to know what that noise was – that I did the only thing I could think to do. "Ow! Edward, you're hurting me!"

He immediately set me on my own two feet. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. What's wrong? Do you need Carlisle to have a look at you?"

"I'm fine, Edward. I just wanted me to put me down." His eyes narrowed slightly, playfully. "And you said– holy crow!"

Edward's bedroom door fell into the room with a shirtless Jasper and nearly-shirtless Alice falling on top of it. Clearly, they were oblivious to what had just happened. Edward spun around at the sound, and growled.

"Dammit, you two," he yelled. "Get out of my room!"

Neither Alice nor Jasper responded.

"NOW!"

Finally, Alice pulled her head up from her husband's neck, which she had been kissing second's before, and took in her surrounding. "Oh, crap."

Jasper, feeling his wife's sudden embarrassment –and I'm sure mine and Edward's as well – also looked around. "Oh, um, hey Edward, Bella. What's up?"

Edward just growled in response.

"I, uh, have to go, uh, help Esme clean," Alice stammered, and took off.

"And I promised I'd help Alice help Esme, I think," Jasper told us and bolted after Alice. If either of them could be blushing, I bet they would be redder that I was after that whole bikini fiasco.

I just stood there, my mouth hanging open in shock.

"God, Alice," called Edward after them. "Would you just give it up already?"

"Whipped cream?" I guessed, felling a blush creep over my cheeks.

Edward nodded. "Yes," he said sadly. "What else?"

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What did you guys think? I have a new goal. I want to get to 100 reviews by Christmas. That means I need 25 more. I know you can do it! So review! LOVE YOU! 


	10. Too Much

A little Christmas-y chapter to get you into the holiday spirit. It features the movie _A Year without a Santa Claus._ If you have yet to see it, go watch it now!!! Then read this and REVIEW!!! Merry Christmas!!! And happy whatever else you may celebrate. (Sorry, I'm trying to be politically correct...that's what happens when you go to public school).

Disclaimer: I own neither _Twilight_ or _A Year without a Santa Claus._ I do however own my fairy wand (I am a spedeshal fairy, remember?) and all the stuffs Santa's bringin' me tonight. So, yeah.

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Bella's Point of View

"Alice, what's on your head?"

"This, my dear Emmett, is a Santa hat," Alice replied, shoving red and white fuzzy thing on her burly brother's head.

Emmett reached up and pulled it off. "Well, _why_ are you wearing it? You'd fit in better with the elves. Shouldn't you be wearing an elf hat instead?"

Alice's face scrunched up in anger. "Emmett you little…"

I decided to walk away then. It was probably better if I wasn't around when Alice attacked since I was "breakable". And besides, I don't think Edward would enjoy it very much if his sister maimed me three days before Christmas.

Earlier that morning, Edward had informed me that I would be helping his family prepare for the upcoming holiday that afternoon. I thought that I would be decorating a tree and taste testing Christmas cookies. But, of course, the Cullens can't get ready for Christmas like a normal family. No, they completely repainted the entire first floor of the mansion a deep shade of red, decorated three trees in the living room alone, and turned the front yard into a winter wonderland fit for a movie set. _Overnight_.

Now, I was walking through the house, trying to find some way to help. Rose was wrapping gifts, Emmett and Alice were arguing about something or another, Jasper was working on another tree in the seldom-used dining room. Not to mention, Carlisle was at the hospital, and Esme was baking cookies, which I was banned from helping with on account of my catching the last batch on fire. She assured me that it was OK but also suggested that I go find a less dangerous project.

_And where is Edward? _

I sat down on the couch and grabbed the remote. Maybe some mindless Christmas movie would make me feel better about my inability to help my family. I flipped through the channels for a while until I came across _A Year without a Santa Claus_ – Charlie's favorite and my least favorite. I couldn't sit through that movie for more than twenty minutes without falling asleep. In fact, my eyelids were already starting to droop.

I could here the opening notes of the Snow Miser's song playing as my eyes completely closed.

_I'm Mister White Christmas  
I'm Mister Snow  
I'm Mister Icicle  
I'm Mister Ten Below  
_

_Wait, wasn't that guy's voice more annoying and nasally and not so velvety?_ My eyes snapped open.

_Friends call me Snow Miser;  
Whatever I touch  
turns to snow in my clutch  
I'm too much!_

There, on the television screen in front of me, was none other than Mr. Edward Cullen. He was dressed in varying shade for blue and almost blended in with the background he was dancing in front of. I just sat there stupidly, staring in shock. This was too weird.

Suddenly, the scene changed. The television flamed red and orange and yellow. Standing amidst the bright colors was Jacob Black, dressed in clothing that matched his surroundings. He, much like Edward, was singing an obnoxious song.

_I'm Mister Green Christmas  
I'm Mister Sun  
I'm Mister Heat Blister  
I'm Mister Hundred and One  
They call me Heat Miser,  
What ever I touch  
Starts to melt in my clutch  
I'm too much!_

Then, the scene changed yet again. The colors swirled together. Ice and fire. Fire and ice. Both were flying this way and that. And Edward and Jake keep singing the stupid song…

"Bella, turn that stupid movie off!"

"What?" My head snapped up. _Wow, do I feel groggy._

"I said, turn that stupid movie off," Rosalie replied from across the room where she was wrapping presents on the ground. "You're going to make my ears bleed."

"Uh, Rose, your ears can't bleed," Jasper called from the dining room. "You're dead so you can't bleed at all."

"It's figure of speech, jeez."

I grabbed the remote and switched the movie off anyway. I didn't want to have another dream about my fiancé and best friend in bad costumes singing even worse songs.

"Bella?" a silky voice called from behind me.

I turned around to see Edward clothed in a dark blue shirt and jeans and couldn't help laughing.


	11. A Christmas to Remember

I am well aware that Christmas was four days ago... I had this written though, and I wanted to post it. Since you didn't help me meet my 100-reviews-by-Christmas goal (glares evilly), can we go for New Year's Eve? It shouldn't be that hard...I only need 2 more... Please? Enjoy!

**_Disclaimer: I don't own The Nutcracker, "Twas the night before Christmas..."or Twilight. I asked for it all for Christmas but only got a trip to NYC. Jeez, I didn't get any of the good stuff from Santa._**

* * *

Random Narrator's Point of View

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house…

The Cullens, Hales, and Bella were participating in various kinds of holiday merriment. Esme and Carlisle were planning a surprise for their children that involved Carlisle in a Santa costume; Emmett and Rose were kissing under the mistletoe last time anyone checked; Alice and Jasper were wrapping presents to give to the kids at the children's hospital. And Bella and Edward were cuddling in front of lavishly decorated fir tree, sipping hot cocoa – well, Bella was, at least – and just enjoying each other's company.

"Edward, do you still believe in Santa Claus?" Bella asked the bronze haired angel next to her.

"I think Santa is as real as you want him to be," Edward replied.

"I'll take that as a no."

"I didn't say no. All I said is that it depends on your perception of him."

"You couldn't have just said yes or no," Bella grumbled. "That would be too easy, huh?"

Edward laughed at Bella's response before leaning in to press his lips to hers for a sweet, cocoa-flavored kiss.

Emmett chose that moment to bound into the room. "Hey, guys, Santa's on the roof!"

"Sure, he is. And I'm the Nutcracker Prince and Bella's real name is Clara," Edward mocked, sarcasm dripping from his voice.

"No, really," Emmet told the couple. "Alice said he is. Come on, I'll show you." He then scooped Bella up and ran out of the house. Naturally, Edward followed close behind, muttering a string of profanities because his fiancée had just been stolen from him.

You see, Alice had had an "advanced viewing" of the upcoming events, and thought the rest of her family should enjoy the show as well. Therefore, she enlisted Emmett to help her get everyone outside in time to see it. "Use force if you have to," she had told him. So that's exactly what Emmett did.

Finally, Bella was placed on her own two feet, the snow soaking through her socks and freezing her feet. She shivered, and Edward picked her up again, making sure to send a glare in Emmett's direction. His brother didn't seem to notice.

"Look. I'm telling you, Santa is on the roof." Emmett pointed toward the housetop.

Just then, the door opened and everyone turned to face it. Alice ran outside, towing Jasper and an annoyed Rosalie with her.

"Did I miss it?" Alice said. She closed her eyes before answering her own question. "Nope, in fact…" She trailed off and waited.

Suddenly, a hollow _thud_ echoed through the crisp winter air. Everyone turned their attention to the source of the sound – the roof. Or, rather the figure in a Santa suit now sliding off the roof.

"Bloody ice!" the figure yelled with the slightest of British accents. "The things I do for you, Esme!"

"Carlisle!" another voice – Esme's – shrieked.

Carlisle's arms and legs flailed as he tried to stop his descent down the steep slope, the occasional profanity slipping loudly from his lips. However it was no use; the vampire continued to topple toward a drop that would cause even him the slightest bit of discomfort. Finally, when it seemed as though he wouldn't be having a very merry Christmas, Carlisle skidded to a halt, mere inches from the edge.

"Well, that was anticlimactic," muttered Rosalie.

"Wait for it," was Alice's only response.

They again turned their attention upward. Carlisle stood and straightened the red and white hat on his head. His feet slid out from under him once more just as he as about to climb back to his wife, sending him over the edge of the roof. Fortunately – or perhaps unfortunately, depending on how you look at it – the bottom of his pant leg caught on one of the shingles right before he could plunge three stories. The hat slid from his head, landing softly on the snow below.

The children on the ground stared upward, every emotion from amusement to shock to annoyance to hilarity playing across their faces. For a moment, no one said a word.

"A little help here," Carlisle finally called to his family. "My trousers seem to be stuck."

The group below couldn't take it anymore. Their father-figure's use of the word "trousers" paired with his current position was too much for them to take; they all burst into hysterics.

"This isn't bloody funny! Someone get me down!" Carlisle continued to thrash around trying to free himself. It appeared as though the embarrassment and anger he felt clouded his ability to realize that the more he hollered and wriggled, the more they laughed. And since the only people would _could_ help him were laughing at him, Carlisle would be stuck where he was for quite a while.

This would be one Christmas that nobody would be forgetting anytime soon.


	12. It's About Time

See, I told you I'd have a chapter up this weekend! I know this isn't my best work, but I think it's better than some of my other chapters. If this is at all confusing to anyone, please let me know. I'll be more than happy to explain. Enjoy!

**_Disclaimer: I own neither Twilight nor the Lilix song for which this chapter is named._**

* * *

Random Narrators's Point of View

All of the Cullens – with the exception of Jasper, who decided it was safer to be out of the house for this particular occurrence – stood around Edward's monstrous bed, staring down at the napping girl sprawled across its golden expanse. The entire house was completely silent, anticipating the task that the owner of said bed was about to attempt. This was something that only one member of the family had done before, and everyone was anxious as to what the outcome would be.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Esme asked laying a reassuring hand on her son's shoulder.

Edward nodded solemnly. "Bella asked me to do this, and you know I would do anything for her."

"Why don't you get someone else to do it for you?" Emmett suggested. "I'm sure Carlisle wouldn't mind. He did go to medical school."

"They don't teach you this kind of thing in medical school – if they did, Edward would be all set," Carlisle replied.

Rosalie sighed. "Come on, Edward, the sooner that smell is gone, the better. I'm not sure how much longer I can take it."

The rest of the family nodded in agreement.

"Alice?" Edward asked, looking questioningly – perhaps a little hopefully – at his sister. She rolled her eyes at him.

"I already told you that everything is going to be OK. Can't we just get this over with?"

"The future can change," he counteracted. Then, finally accepting defeat, Edward reached forward, preparing to complete his assignment. His hands were no more than a centimeter away from the girl's body, when Esme saved, er, make that _stopped_ him.

"Wait! Don't you think your hands are going to be too cold for the little darling?"

"It's fine," Rosalie sighed again, becoming more and more impatient by the second. "He was laying with Bella before she fell asleep. You know how warm his skin gets after he touches her."

"Well, if you're sure, I suppose-"

"Yes, Mother, I'm sure."

"Don't get snippy with me. I just want her to be comfortable."

"Would you two be quiet?" Carlisle tried to soothe the argument. "You're going to wake her up."

Emmett smirked and whispered, "Too late."

He was right. The once-sleeping "darling" stirred, opening her big brown eyes for everyone in the room to see. She took in her surroundings before a silent tear slipped down her check.

"Damn it, Edward, just change her already!"

"I-I-" The bronze-haired boy stammered, completely at a loss for words. His honey-colored eyes burned with internal conflict.

"Someone has to do it," Carlisle reasoned with his son.

Alice pushed her brother out of the way. "I seriously can't take this anymore." And in one swift motion, she performed the very task the Edward had been putting off for far too long.

Calls of "finally", "thank you, Alice", and "it's about time" drifted throughout the room.

"What's going on?" Bella asked from the door, causing everyone in the room to spin towards her. "I heard you yelling. Did something happen?" Her cheeks were flushed from sleep, and her hair was a tangled mess.

"Your fiancé couldn't change a baby's diaper," Emmett laughed, as Edward hung his head in embarrassment.

"I didn't see you trying to help, Emmett," Edward deadpanned.

"Well, you could have woken me up. I _am _the one who's supposed to be baby-sitting her."

"No, honey," Esme said, "you were exhausted. It really wasn't any trouble for us to watch your little cousin for a few hours."

"Until she needed changed," Rosalie mumbled.

Bella weaved her way through her family until she reached the now pacified infant. She paused a moment before scooping the baby into her arms. "Does anyone want to help me feed her?"

The Cullens fled the room at breakneck speed; Bella just shook her head in response. "You'd think that six vampires would be able to handle something as simple as changing a diaper. But I guess not. Let's go get you something to eat, Katie," she whispered to the infant.

Then, very carefully, she walked down to the kitchen to make a bottle for the little angel in her arms.

* * *

So there you go. Sorry it's not edited...I was so excited to write something, I just really wanted to post it. Thank you so much to all of you who have reviewed and for sticking with me even though I was sick and haven't updated in forever. You guys seriously rock! Review, please! 


	13. Insults Can Be Helpful

Just a random one shot that I'm shamelessly using for self promotion! This is an ad, if you will, for my newest story **_The 100-Year-Old Virgin._** It's a purely humor based story about Emmett and Jasper's attempts to get Edward a little lovin' when they were still in Denali. The whole thing is a mixture of goodness from my brain and the movie _The 40-Year-Old Virgin._ The story is definitely my favorite that I've written so far. So please check it out! Until then enjoy this.

Disclaimer: Do I really need to tell you again?

* * *

Emmett and Jasper sat on the couch, deeply locked in a furious game of Madden NFL 09 on their Xbox 360. Their battle was accompanied by spontaneous cursing and random kidney-jabs. And, as always, the insults would soon be flowing freely.

"What the hell was that, Jasper?" Emmett questioned, his anger obvious to everyone in a five mile radius with the way he was yelling.

"I believe I just won, big bro," Jasper replied rather smugly while Emmett's large frame quaked with anger. That was a _crack_ as the controller snapped in half in his oversized hands followed by a muttered "damn." His brother just laughed at his expense.

"Well, you know how I know you're gay?"

"Oh boy," Jasper mumbled.

Ever since Emmett saw _The 40-Year-Old Virgin_, his response to everything began with that question: _You know how I know you're gay?_ You see, Emmett enjoyed harassing his younger siblings; it was a bit of a pastime of his. And one surefire way to do that was to quote random movies at random times.

Emmett grinned before continuing, "You _feel_ emotions."

Jasper shook his head before getting up and walking out of the room. "Idiot."

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Yeah, it's WAY short. I know... And I really don't even think it deserves a review (if you disagree, though, by all means press the little purple-ish button.) But please, PLEASE go read my newest story. And remember: Hugs, Not Drugs!


	14. Important Author's Note!

Hello? Is anyone there?

((Ana ducks behind a random passerby as her lovely, amazing, loyal readers throw shoes, tomatoes, rocks, and the occasional small dog at her.))

"What the are you doing here?" y'all ask, rather disgruntled. "You've only been gone for, oh, over a year. What? No, we didn't miss you. Didn't even notice you were gone... What the hell is wrong with you?"

Yes, I know. I'm a horrible person. I have all of you wonderful people following me and supporting me and reading the stories I have written, and what did I do? I ignored you for a year plus a whole bunch of days. To this day, I still get people adding me to their favorites/alerts, and each time I get a new email showing me that you guys still support me even after all I've done to you, it makes me cringe. Seriously.

I know it's not really the same thing, but it's like when I go to a concert and wait around after the show in hopes of seeing my favorite band of the night, and they just never show up. I mean, I bought a t-shirt. I paid the extra 10 bucks for the meet and greet pass. I stood next to some guy who smelled suspiciously like fish, aftershave, and Mexican food all night, while he "danced" and ended up almost punching me in the face in the process. I got my ass grabbed more than once by the creepy guy behind me, and I'm pretty sure none of those times were accidental in spite of the fact that his girlfriend was trying to suck his face off the whole time. I freaking _love_ this band, yet they can't even stop over and say, 'hi.'

Turns out, I'm just like that band of douches who cares more about getting paid for their gig than about thanking the fans who are the ones paying for them to play in the first place. I've taken all of your love and general awesomeness, and completely disregarded it.

**_And I'm sorry._**

I know it's not much of an excuse, but I lost my love for the Twilight series for a while. To me, as someone who loved the books from the very beginning, it was the fangirls that did me in. It was so cool to know about Ms. Meyer's universe when it first started. I felt _special _being part of this little group who knew about this awesome thing, only to have supposed fans ruin it with their hype when the movie came out. Excuse the fact that I'm using another music example, but Twilight became like Fall Out Boy to me; it was amazing to begin with, knowing about something so cool even though it was so little known. But then the fan-base grew, and not for the best. Like Fall Out Boy, Twilight became trendy. Now, don't get me wrong - there's absolutely nothing wrong with following trends. I, myself, have fallen victim to the Silly Bandz fad. But what annoys me is when people only like something because it's popular. I can't tell you how many girls in school have come up to me and been all, "OMG, I love Edward!" or "OMG, Pete Wentz is sooo hott!" Normally, I just think, _Is that so?_ _Did you read the books? Or did you ever listen to Fall Out Boys' first well know album, Take This to Your Grave? No? Well, then, you can kindly just shut the f-ck up..._

I really think that the Twilight movie was the worst thing that happened to the series, and that's not just because I disliked the artsy angle taken with it. It brought about a bunch of hype, and completely unnecessarily so.

That being said, New Moon kind of began to restore my faith. That movie wasn't quite so horrible, and by the time it came out, some of the fangirls had actually picked up the books and enjoyed those as well as the movies. Appreciated them, even. Then, Eclipse made me smile because it was pretty darn close to the book and made me remember what I loved so much about the series a year ago. I don't feel quite the same affection for Bella and her friends and family as I once did, but I don't abhor the books anymore, either.

So, the point behind all of this? First, I wanted to say **_I'm sorry for neglecting all of you. You truly are wonderful _**and I thank God that you all enjoyed what I wrote so much that you've put me on 166 alert lists, 155 favorite lists, and left me 264 reviews, in total. Compared to some authors on here, that's nothing. But to me, your support really is everything. I wouldn't have come back at all, had it not been for you guys. I read each and every review I get, and try to reply to all of them, too. I care. Really, I do. I just suck at showing it.

Second, I wanted to let you all know that _**I am going to edit/rewrite everything that I have up thus far**_. I'll be deleting the originals, leaving the first chapter so those of you who do have me on alert/favorite don't have to go find the new, updated version. Of course, I'll update that chapter, but you won't be getting an alert for it if you subscribe. Your best bet would probably be to wait for the second chapter to be posted then go back and reread chapter one first. That way you know it's been fixed. I can't tell you how long that process will take. I'm hoping no later than Christmastime. Then, depending on where my feelings on the saga stand after all of that, _**I may start to post new chapters**_. No promises, though. We'll just have to play that by ear.

Thank you again for all of your support! I really, truly do love each and everyone of you.

Love,  
Anastasha ('CuzEdwardLikesBurnettes)

P.S. If you want to comment on this post, could you please do so in a PM, just for organization sake? It would be much appreciated. :)


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